Letting the Depression In

I can feel myself letting the depression in, bit by bit

Like a pinch of salt

A breeze in a cracked window

It is sneaking in under my covers and sleeps next to me some nights

and worst of all it’s sneaking into my thoughts

I feel myself getting lazy, making excuses, giving up on the goals I was so excited about

It’s easy to let depression slip back in when he has already made a home out of you

 

He is comfortable

there is no awkwardness, there is no getting to know each other, you are far beyond that phase

He is an old friend

That’s his disguise, anyway

Sometimes you let him stay the night for old time’s sake

 

But I kicked him out once and that too, is still familiar

There is no awkwardness

You are far beyond that phase

 

I have learned to feel him coming now

Have a safety plan to lock the doors, fill the cracks, and tuck my blankets under the mattress so there is no room for darkness to enter

There is no extra room in my bed, or my mind, for visitors

What my old friend doesn’t realize is how I have learned to fight

And that I know he’s coming

I am ready

 

The windows are locked

The cracks are filled

and I am not home to even entertain

 

 

Photo: Judy Douglass

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